Obnoxious Droppings

A Former Sgt in the US Marines, US Army and Australian Federal Police - With an Attitude Problem - Looking at the Shits & Giggles of life from a Quasi-Conservative Point of View * * * WARNING! STRONG LANGUAGE FOLLOWS! * * *

18 February, 2006

Driving Lessons, Chicago Style

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd.

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy new one.

If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "First bluff, then hold on and pray!"

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.

All directions ! start with, "I-94" which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 5AM to noon. The evening rush hour is from 3PM to 10PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.

We had so much fun with that we have added the Elgin O'Hare Expressway (which oddly enough doesn't go to Elgin OR O'Hare) and I-355 to the mix.

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period.

First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NW Highway, all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.

The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is not ornamental.

The Congress Expressway, commonly referred to as the Eisenhower Expressway is our daily version of NASCAR (though often at speeds that don't exceed 5 mph).

The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago.

If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Wrigley Field.

If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western Open Golf Classic is in the second round.

If you go to Wrigley Field pay the $25.00 to par! k in the "Cubs Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for dama ges, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.


Post a Comment

<< Home