Doc Farmer

I got hooked on this writer from ChronWatch when I saw his work on Sailor in the Desert. This is his end of year effort and it's a hoot!

Doc Farmer's End of the Year Bric-a-Brac
Written by Doc Farmer
Wednesday, December 29, 2004

This is sort of a quiet time of year for most people. Most news organizations do that tired old “that was the year that was” review, telling you all the stuff that you went through in the previous twelve months, as if your attention spans had been MTV’d down to around the goldfish level. You’re still sorting through all the wrapping paper you used at Christmas, hoping that your local Earth Liberation Front cell doesn’t get back at you for your blatant destruction of the forests by burning your house down. You’re still recovering from having relatives come and visit you (it takes my folks about two weeks to recuperate from me, poor things), or you’re still waiting for striking airline workers to return your luggage. You’re stocking up for New Years, of course - vodka, chips, scotch, dip, gin, nuts, vermouth, olives, rum, lemon slices, beer, Alka-Seltzer, wine, Vicodin, and a gift certificate to the Betty Ford Clinic (by the way, a sincere and hearty Get Well Soon to George Carlin).

Most of your colleagues have taken the week off, your plant is in shutdown mode, or you just can’t be arsed to get out of bed this week.

After the year we’ve all had, you feel like your get up and go has got up and went. You’re sort of cruising through the last seven days of this year. That’s how I feel, anyway.
So, this article won’t be very topical. I was going to rip Jan Egeland a new one for calling America “stingy” regarding our tsunami-relief efforts, but others have done that rather well. Besides, I’ve demanded the ouster of the United Nations at least twice this year already, so I’ve bagged my limit (note to VRWC: please increase this to four times next year!). I’m going to look back a bit, not at the stuff we already know about, but at the stuff we never got around to asking, that maybe we should have.

Remember that guy who used to work for Clinton, and ended up stuffing
secret documents in his pants and socks? What happened to him? Has he been
arrested yet? And if not, why not?

In that same vein, is Janet Reno still alive? She used to have a pretty popular dance party, from what I recall.

Why haven’t scientists discovered how much wood a wood chuck chucks if a
wood chuck could chuck wood? I’ve asked this earlier in the year, I know,
but you’d think one of these yutzes would have cottoned on to getting a juicy
government grant for this.

Has anyone figured out why “The Passion of the Christ” hasn’t sprung up with a bunch of sequels, prequels or copy-cat movies yet? Normally, Hollyweird gravitates toward money, after all.

Whither the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth? Granted, they did the country a great service by exposing John Kerry’s duplicity, lies and treason. Why haven’t they followed up and provided testimony for a criminal indictment? These guys don’t leave jobs half-done, usually.

Why can’t we have Mad Warthog’s Disease? Most people like cows, and dislike warthogs. It just seems unfair to make cows bear the brunt of bad press.

Speaking of that, why is it called “Mad” Cow Disease? Are they walking down the streets mumbling to themselves? Do they go up to the top of towers with high-powered rifles? Do they bomb McDonalds and Outback Steakhouses? Mad, indeed.

We had an election this year, and proved that some people still can’t count. Somebody go back in the archives and dig up that idea I had about using lottery machines in the next election. Utah doesn’t have the lottery, of course, but they don’t really need machines. I mean, how long can it take them to tally up 1,438 votes by hand? Get a few of the wives to help.

By the way, I believe a number of people expressed an interest to emigrate
to Canada or Europe when the election didn’t go their way. So why the hell
are they still here? North American Van Lines is at 1-800-823-0392, Mayflower is at 1-800-299-1700, U-Haul is at 1-800-468-4285, etc. Hell, I’ll even help some of you bozos pack!

End of year stories usually include “top ten” lists. So how did Arafat’s death rate above Ronald Reagan’s demise? Kinda tells you where the media’s priorities are, doesn’t it?

Shouldn’t there be a law that all these end of year “top ten” lists can only be compiled and presented by David Letterman? Frankly, he’ll do a much better job than those other guys.

When will Fox News finally stop Susan Estrich and Alan Colmes from hitting each other with ugly sticks?

When will CBS News finally announce that Dan Rather’s replacement is going
to be Baghdad Bob?

When will ABC News finally admit that Sam Donaldson got his hair the same
place as Elton John? By the way, somebody please trim those anti-Christ
eyebrows of his.

There was supposedly a “reality” show this year that re-did Gilligan’s Island. So why didn’t they just leave the castaways there and spare us having to watch? I hope Bob Denver sues TBS for besmirching the good name of his character.

How many of you have had enough “reality” by the bye? I mean, the only “real” reality this year was Janet Jackson’s Nipplegate (unless those were implants, of course).

Did you hear that some lady cloned her cat for $50 grand? Why not clone something useful instead? Like Regis Philbin. As much as he’s on TV, he must need a bit of a rest.

Are the truth in advertising laws still in effect? ‘Cause if they are, somebody had better rename “Everybody Loves Raymond” to “Almost Everybody Loves Raymond.” Frankly, I don’t even like Raymond all that much.

Is Michael Moore still alive? If so, why? I half expect him to explode, a la “Mr. Creosote” in “Monty Python’s Meaning of Life” - I just hope nobody videos that. The movie version was bad enough.

Before I forget, is Moore actually campaigning to get an Oscar? I still remember when he won the Palm d’Or in Cannes. He deserved the Palm d’Merde, quite frankly. Still does.

Oh, did you hear that there was a scholarly study this year that objectively proved there is a strong liberal bias in the news media? You didn’t? Gee, I wonder why that wasn’t reported....

Have a Happy, Healthy and Blessèd New Year, everybody!

About the Writer: Doc Farmer is a writer and humorist who is also a moderator on ChronWatch's Forum. He formerly lived in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, but now resides in the Midwest. Doc receives e-mail at docfarmer9999@yahoo.co.uk.